Carissa

[INTERVIEWER]: To start off, tell me a little bit about you and your family.

[CARISSA]: So I have two lesbian moms, my family is the two of them, my older sister, and me. My sister and I were born through donor conception and we have an anonymous sperm donor. I was born and raised in Massachusetts and yeah that's my family.

[INTERVIEWER]: What did you call your parents growing up? For example, mine were mom and mati, because the yiddish word for father is tatti, which they combined with mom to make mati.

[CARISSA]: That's so cute, I’ve always called mine mommy and mama. Yeah. That's just always been what it is. And it's because my mom’s name is Lauren, but people call her Lori. So Lori is mommy and my other mom Donna is mama. That's how it happened.

[INTERVIEWER]: That's really cute, I’ve met a few people who split it up that way. My next question is when did your parents first discuss with you that your family structure might be a bit different from other kids you’d meet in school.

[CARISSA]: I don't really remember the first moment. I was sort of raised in a town where it was always different and you know that was okay for some people and not okay for others, so I was just always aware that we had a different family structure. I wasn't told specifically about my donor conceived identity until I was I think nine was when my parents sat me down and really talked me through that part of it.

[INTERVIEWER]: Do you remember how the discussion went and how they phrased things?

[CARISSA]: They gave me the children's book Heather has two mommies, which is a classic and like I read the whole book and it sort of goes through the process of a lesbian couple going through donor conception to make a baby. And so they were just like this is how we did it and then let me ask any questions and then showed me, you know, the file for my donor and all that. I remember being confused because I didn’t really know anything about science, you know. But I remember it going well and it, sort of through COLAGE, eventually became a part of my identity and a way for me to find community with other people who are donor conceived.

[INTERVIEWER]: You mentioned you were in a town where a lot of people hadn’t met anybody with same-sex parents before. How did you approach explaining it to people and in what situations did it come up?

[CARISSA]: It came up a lot with sort of random people in my school because I was the only one with LGBTQ parents in my year. They would ask from a genuine place of curiosity, like, “how were you born? That doesn't make any sense to me.” And then I sort of, you know, had to decide whether or not I wanted to go into it and go into like science teacher mode for a second when I was in elementary school or if I wanted to be like, that's not your business. But then there's also the sense that you want to normalize it and you want to be proud of where you came from and all that, which I totally am. But it's, you know, it is a personal thing and it, you know, straight people don't have the curse of, you know, people going up to them and asking how they made their child. So it's, it's different like that.

[INTERVIEWER]: Switching gears a little bit, do you have any specific feelings about your donor being unknown?

[CARISSA]: Yeah, I mean, I think there's a lot of feelings. I think no matter what decision the parents make, there's always going to be some effect. For me personally, I don't really think about my donor that often. I feel like I’m very lucky to have my two parents and I've never really felt the need to try to find out more information about him. I for sure have questions and want to know about my medical history and things like that, and I think there is something to be said for the advantages of known donation. I know there are campaigns out there to not allow for a completely anonymous donor, saying that's taking the way a child’s rights and whatever, and I don't know what side of that debate I'm on, but for me personally, like I said, it's really not a huge part of my family's life. It's not really something that we talk about all that often and it's not something that I feel like I am missing if you know.

[INTERVIEWER]: Onto the next question, straight parents tend to divide up childrearing obligations along gender lines. How did your parents navigate raising you without a traditional mother father split?

[CARISSA]: Yeah, I don't know. My parents are very similar. They even look kind of identical, so that is also part of it. My family is my two moms and my older sister, so it was a family of four women and we sort of have always had that, you know, powerful woman feminism vibe in the house. I feel like there were some things that just sort of came more naturally to one mom versus the other. We joke about it sometimes you know, one of my moms usually cooks and the other one pays taxes. That's just sort of how it happened. But I feel like honestly It's because they are who they are and they are both very similar that we can look at these things that are so different about them and not think of it as gender. It's really nice to know that this mom does this and this mom does this and that doesn't really mean anything in terms of gender because gender doesn't really mean anything. You know what I mean?

[INTERVIEWER]: Yeah, that makes sense. Related to you parents being so similar, how does it make you feel when people ask which parent you're biologically related to, both now and growing up?

[CARISSA] Yeah, that question sucked. I think it still sucks. But I'll always answer because it's a fact. I do think it’s a bit of a loaded question. Like I think when people ask that, they're thinking along the lines ‘oh, you look more like this person or like, oh, that makes sense. You have these traits and whatever’. To me, my family is my family and the question is a little irritating because it's another question that the children of straight parents never have to deal with, you know.

[INTERVIEWER]: One anxiety that a lot of couples have going into this process is whether the non-bio parent is going to have a more difficult time bonding with their child. Did you ever encounter that? Was the process of bonding and developing a connection with your parents different?

[CARISSA]: I think it was different just because they’re two different people, like any parents. We've had conversations about what it means that one of my moms isn’t biologically related to us and what that means for our family, but I definitely wouldn’t say I had a harder time bonding with my non-bio mom. My whole childhood, I didn't even really know that she wasn't biologically related to me. Like I don't know. I was like a dumb kid. I was like, these are my parents obviously. They were both there the day I was born. They'll be there forever, you know. So that was never even like something I thought about until around elementary school when people would ask who am I biologically related to and my gut reaction was always ‘oh, you care about that? I never really have but sure, I guess.’

[INTERVIEWER]: I only have one last question and that's if you had one piece of advice to share with same sex couples going into the process of having kids, what would it be?

[CARISSA]: Um, I think my one piece of advice would just be to talk about it, be open about it, and don't be afraid of it. From talking to other donor-conceived people in COLAGE, I saw that a lot of our parents had a sort of shame around the topic that I wish wasn’t there because none of us feel ashamed of it. I wish that people could openly talk about this more with their parents because I think it is especially personal to that relationship. So yeah, I think that's the first thing that I’d want to say, to trust that your kids can handle a conversation and to be open about that from day one.