Jordan

[INTERVIEWER]: So just to start off, tell me a little bit about your family.

[JORDAN]: Yeah, so I have three moms, my bio mom Patty, my non-bio mom Sheila, and my stepmom Diane. I have one brother who I grew up with, his name is Jacob, and he’s just over two years younger than me. We're half brothers technically, which I didn't find out until around middle school. It wasn’t kept from me, but I just figured it out then. We were born through donor conception using an anonymous donor through the Rochester Regional Cryobank. So yeah, we're half brothers and it's actually kind of interesting the way that it happened. We have the same donor and genetically different moms. My bio mom, Patty, acted as a surrogate for my non-bio mom, Sheila, so Jacob is genetically the child of our donor and Sheila, who I have no biological relation to. But Jacob was carried by Patty, who is my bio-mom, meaning he's connected to like all three, which I think is pretty neat. I don't know anything in the way of like donor siblings. I haven't met my donor or anything, but I have his little sheet from the cryobank with all his basic info.

[INTERVIEWER]: What did you call them growing up?

[JORDAN]: My bio mom was mommy. And my non-bio mom was a momma. And then, once that stopped being cool, once I realized that big kids didn't do that, then they just both became mom. At that point they were already split up so it wasn't that big of a deal. Just like whenever they were in the same room, which wasn't as much anymore. They both just became mom probably around when I was in middle school.

[INTERVIEWER]: Do you remember when and how they first discussed with you that your family structure might be a bit different from the other kids you meet?

[JORDAN]: Yeah, I don't know. I've thought about this a lot actually, because this question keeps coming up now during COLAGE programming trying to give other kids advice and everything. I cannot remember for the life of me an exact moment. I just remember that I knew by the time I needed to explain it, which was probably around second, third, fourth grade. Kids didn’t really seem to care. In kindergarten and first grade, most of the kids who I was hanging out with, I grew up with and they already knew my parents. I don't really know the exact answer. I don't think it was a big conversation, because my brother and I were smart enough to figure it out. I think we just kind of picked things up here and there. I don't think they ever even like sat us down and said like, hey, other kids might bully you for this. I think they just kind of lightly explained things to us. But there wasn't really even anything to explain. The big explanation wasn’t about having two moms, it was talking about our donor, which I think happened probably when I was in third grade or so. I really just can't even remember the conversation, it’s just kind of something that l knew? I knew my family was a bit different from others, and I knew the reasons why, but it was kind of just like filling in the gaps a little bit.

[INTERVIEWER]: Did you ever have any opinions on how your parents chose a donor and going with an anonymous donor versus a known donor?

[JORDAN]: Not really, I don't know. This is something that I've thought about a lot, because, you know, again, it's like kind of blurry when I was told or realized that I had a donor. I think when I was younger, I didn't really care that much. There was no big curiosity with it. It was just how I was born. There was nothing that needed to be filled in emotionally or relationship-wise. When I got older and my parents gave me the sheet with information about him, as well as when I was getting more involved with COLAGE and talking to other kids who were in my same situation, is when I developed a little bit more curiosity around the topic. In high school, I remember showing my friends the paper and showing them his information and everything, which continued into college. I think my friends were more interested in it than I was. I remember this one kid who I was friends with early on in college was fascinated, not in like a weird way, but he asked a lot of questions, more questions than I had really ever asked myself and I'm like, whoa, okay. Yeah. Then when I turned 18, I was like, okay, I could find this guy. I I never contacted the cryobank. I was excited to have the opportunity when I was 18, but just never did it. It was never something that was like so, so enticing to me that I just had to do it. I also would have had to have a pretty deep conversation with my brother and with my parents about it, and I think it would have affected my parents a little more than it would affect me. What I think I'm more interested in than meeting my donor is finding out if I have any donor siblings. There was a week in college where I decided to do my own investigation. I knew that he went to University of Rochester, and I was pretty sure I found him through their archives, which was kind of exciting, but just because I was proud of myself for doing the P.I. work, but there was nothing that has pushed me to really like commit to finding out any more information, even now that it's so easy with 23 and me, it's not really that enticing.

[INTERVIEWER]: You mentioned that if you were to reach out to your donor, you feel like it might impact your parents emotionally more than it would impact you. Why do you think that is?

[JORDAN]: Hmm. I don't know. I just think that it would. Maybe not even in a negative way either. They've asked me if I wanted to reach out to him before, but they haven't been pushy about it. I think it's kind of a topic that they don’t really have much reason to engage with. I'm older so it's not like they're worried about how I might feel towards them as parents. It's just a big thing to know. I've gone so many years not knowing who he is and having it not be a factor at all in my life. Adding that in might have some intense emotional effects, just because it’s a big thing to find out. I feel like it would affect one of my mom's more than the other. I don't think my stepmom would really be affected that much, because I was 13 when I met her. I just have no idea what it would feel like as a parent, especially for my bio mom, to meet someone for the first time who she technically created a child with. I just have no idea how that would feel. It might be a heavier thing to deal with than what I would be coming to terms with.

[INTERVIEWER]: Straight parents often divide parenting obligations along gender roles. How did your parents navigate raising you and divvying up parenting obligations between two mothers?

[JORDAN]: There were certain things that my parents were more inclined to do just because of their own personalities, but mostly they both just did things equally, which I guess is pretty uncommon for any relationship, splitting responsibilities so evenly. To be fair, they were only together until I was in fifth grade. By the time I was in middle school and high school, my stepmom was in the picture. You know, parenting responsibilities. She had some parenting responsibilities but most of it was just picking up from school and things like that. In terms of the differences in parenting style between my bio mom and my non-bio mom, I think it boiled down to personality. I knew which mom was going to give me the worst consequence if I messed up, but it was never anything that was really gender-aligned. The only thing like that that I can remember was that there was a gardening mom and there was a house painting mom. Sheila, my non-bio mom, was always the one in the muscle tank in the middle of the summer on a ladder scraping the paint off the siding. And Patty, my bio-mom was the one gardening. There's plenty of other examples where it's totally flipped, but one of them was definitely a bit more butch for sure. It didn't really ever like seep into like the parenting responsibilities that much though.

[INTERVIEWER]: Another question that a lot of couples have is whether they’ll encounter problems with their extended family, specifically the side that isn’t biologically related to the child. Were your grandparents involved when you were growing up, and if so did you ever run into that?

[JORDAN]: Yeah, I know my biological grandmother and her ex-husband as well as her current husband. And then my non-bio mom’s mother was alive for a while and then died when I was 10. But yeah, they were involved, and we would spend a lot of time with them.

[INTERVIEWER]: Did they ever show any preference towards their biological grandchild?

[JORDAN]: No. I don't think so. I mean, I could talk to my brother about it, but I don't really think that ever happened.

[INTERVIEWER]: Then as a final question, if you had one piece of advice to share with same sex couples who are going into the donor conception process, what would it be?

[JORDAN]: Um, bookmark COLAGE.org for your computer. No, I mean, gosh, that's a tough one. I think just do your research. Make sure your kids have access to all the information that they might need. Ultimately just know that your kids are going to be fine. The fact that you're putting this much thought into this is an indicator that your kids will be fine. So many people become parents without putting any thought into it, and I'm not knocking that at all, that is a perfectly fine way to become a parent, but the fact that you're thinking enough about this to seek out information and plan the best avenues to take, what resources to give your kids, how to talk about it, etc.. shows that you're going to be a way better parent than a lot of other people, and shows that your kids is going to be just fine. Just make sure they have access to like all the info that they need and maybe like tell them about COLAGE. COLAGE changed my life. I hate to plug, but I probably would not be as well adjusted a person if it wasn't for that organization. Just being able to talk to other kids like me I think really, really changed my outlook and perspective. It was a really life changing community to become a part of. So if they're able, like just make sure that your kids can talk to other kids like themselves. I've talked to a lot of people who did not have that, and It's not like you won't have a good time or have a good childhood, but sometimes it just leads to a kind of isolation.