Jean

[INTERVIEWER]: First off, just tell me a little bit about your family. Tell me a little bit about your background.

[JEAN] : Yeah. So I was born and raised in Boston, Massachusetts to two gay dads. They used a known egg donor and for me, a gestational surrogate. My egg donor is my non-biological dad's sister. So she's always been in my life as my aunt, but is biologically my mother, which is kind of fun. My gestational surrogate was a coworker of my dad's who I no longer have a relationship with, like a serious relationship with. I still know her and who she is, but we aren't as close as me and my aunt. And then I have a brother who is a year and a half younger than me. We have the same biological material, but our aunt actually carried him.

[INTERVIEWER] : Growing up, at some point, your parents have to have the conversation with you about how your family structure is a little bit different from what you'll find typically in school with most of your classmates. How did they discuss that with you?

[JEAN] : Yeah. So with my family, the thing that I'm most grateful for is that I don't feel like there was one conversation where it all came to a head. I feel like they did a really good job of, throughout our life, making sure to tell us about how our family was formed and how we came to be in age appropriate ways. They would just be completely open and honest with us about how we were brought into this world, especially by two men, because obviously two men can't have a baby biologically. One of them can't carry the baby if they're both cisgender, which my parents are. So they had to be very explicit about things at times in terms of spelling it out for us and explaining what happens. But they never just sat us down and had like an aha moment. They throughout the course of our lives were explaining it slowly and in ways that made it digestible for us and digestible for us to share with peers.

[INTERVIEWER] : Did the subject ever come up with your peers growing up in school? What was your experience, not just learning about it from your parents, but explaining it to others?

[JEAN] : Yeah. I came up a lot once people realized we didn't have a mom. I went to a school with a lot of people who had single moms. So for them, it was kind of like, whoa, you have two dads. And there's a funny story that goes with this. My brother had a classmate who in pre-K approached my dad and said, how was Luke born? Like where did Luke come from and just kept pressing and pressing and pressing at my dad. And my dad was like, I'm not about to give this kid a sex ed talk. And finally, the kid said, well, whose tummy did he come out of? My dad realized, OK, kids understand such basic levels of reproduction and where babies come from. This kid wasn't saying like, two dads is wrong. They just had a genuine curiosity. So I think it was just really that finding age appropriate language, getting to the root of what made people curious because obviously it's not what you see every day. So it was just a matter of finding ways to educate in positive ways and share my positive experiences so that they saw it as how my life is and not something completely weird.

[INTERVIEWER] : Straight parents often divide different roles in child rearing along gender lines. The mother usually tends to be a little bit more nurturing. The father takes on more of a mentorship role, especially when the kid gets older. But gay couples have to sort that out for themselves. How did your parents navigate raising you without one being a father and one being a mother?

[JEAN] : Yeah, so one of my dads just tends to work more. He does better working. If he was at home all the time we would all lose our minds, so it's helpful for him to work a lot more and he does make a little bit more money. The other dad felt more comfortable working part time. So he works typically three days a week and some weekends. And he was able to be home with us a lot more. He also got more parental leave when we were first born. But in no way, shape or form does that make him more maternal. He's just a little more of the organizational one around the house, paying the bills, stuff like that. So it was helpful for him to also have a couple days off. So they really did that in terms of division of child care labor. But they both absolutely took care of us at different times. I go to both of them equally for things now. One of them is better at cooking and the other is worse, but that's just because he can't cook. Things just kind of fell naturally in their relationship with where their strengths lied. Like the one that can't cook just happens to be the one that works full time and is a little more handy around the house. But that doesn't mean that it's a gendered thing obviously because they are both men. So I think for them, it was just figuring out what they wanted and what worked for them in terms of work environments, like what their offices needed, what they wanted to do at home and what we needed at the time. Obviously, as we got older and like now when neither of us are home, it's very different because they don't have to be taking care of us during the day. And they did also have a nanny help out throughout our childhood as needed, which a lot of families do. So you know, they just kind of divided it up how things lie alongside their strengths.

[INTERVIEWER] : A question that a lot of couples are kind of nervous about is if I'm the non biological parent to my kid, am I going to have a harder time bonding with my kid? Do you know which parent is biologically related to you? And did you ever feel like there was any difference in the bonding process?

[JEAN] : Yeah, I know this was a really common question. I like knew you were going to ask that when you said that because it's something that is a genuine concern for a lot of people. I do know who my biological dad is. And then like I kind of hinted at earlier, my non biological dad is biologically my uncle. And for better or for worse, he and I are very similar in terms of temper. So a lot of times it's me and him butting heads, but we also understand each other on a different level because we have that matching temper. In terms of him being my dad, I've never felt like he wasn't my dad or was any less of a dad to me just because he wasn't biologically my father. And I think about this a lot. It's a really strange kind of thought that crosses my mind occasionally how he's biologically has the same relation to me as his brothers, but I would never, ever, ever consider his brothers anywhere close to how I see him in my life. I love them and I'm close to them, but my dad is my dad and that's a very distinct role that he has in my life. And he's raised me as such. He's provided for me as such and to this day emotionally and physically cares for me as a dad just as much as my biological dad does. So it really for me, with honesty from day one, has been so easy to just maintain him as my papa and just have it be.

[INTERVIEWER] : On that topic, What names did you call them growing up?

[JEAN] : Daddy and Papa.

[INTERVIEWER] : Daddy and Papa. Nice, mine are Mom and Mati.

[JEAN] : Oh, there you go. I love hearing that.

[INTERVIEWER] : Growing up when people would ask which parent you are biologically related to, did you have a canned answer for that? How did it make you feel?

[JEAN] : I would tell people I take the mindset of as long as you're coming from a genuine place of curiosity and you're not insulting me, I'll answer your questions. I went viral on TikTok for posting about having gay dads. Like I will totally put it out there in the open. I don't care. And I will answer any question you have if it helps educate. So I would typically explain where my biology came from. For me, having the known donor helped, and I know it's not possible or feasible in every situation, and I would have been totally okay had I had an anonymous donor, but it made it a little bit easier for me to connect the dots for people. Just because they likely have met my aunt before because she's very active in our life, so they can put a name to a face. But I always would just answer truthfully. And I actually nowadays will pull up a picture of me and my parents and sometimes even one of my whole family and say “guess” because that's a fun game to play.

[INTERVIEWER] : The last question I have is if you had one piece of advice to share with same-sex couples going into the process of having kids in this way, what would it be?

[JEAN] : Be honest with your kids and let them kind of form their own identity around what being donor conceived means to them. For some of my friends who are donor conceived, it’s a big part of their life and they love it and they talk about it all day like myself. And for some, it's just a part of how they are and it's not a main part of their identity like my brother. He never really talks about it, but that's just because in his life, it's a little more just whatever. I do think that it’s somewhat of an age thing, even though he's only a year and a half younger than me. But just be honest with your kids about their life story, answer their questions so that they feel comfortable answering questions for others and never make it seem like a strange thing.